- Some Thoughts
- March 21st, 2011
So its been over 3 weeks since I returned from France, and I am still sort of adjusting to regular life again. I must admit , I thought I would be happy to be home. However, in some moments I miss living in a castle and not having to worry about anything except my next test. Or when I had to come down from my room to go on some excursion that was usually awesome!
So much has happened since I came back I cannot being to write all about it here. It seems like my life is just begining. Yet a lot of chapters are closing with regret and sadness. I think about how much I have changed in these past 9 years and I realize that I still have so much to do when it comes to being completely happy with myself.
Then I get this fear at the back of my head, this fear that once everything is happy then I might have it taken from me again. I sit and think that perhaps I dont deserve happiness, because everytime I thought I had it; it was gone just as fast. Like fate enjoys playing this sick joke with me. Have I not paid for my mistakes? can I not be a peace for once? or have the mistakes I made been so grave that there is no possible way to make amends?
I am not bitter or jadded about those instances of life , where I honestly feel like I have no hope. Yet I yearn for the happier times to stay more often then they actually do.
I mean realisticly there will always been some trial or tribulation I will have to face, I have come to accept that about myself and the life I lead, and what the cards have delt me , I do believe in fate and purpose , I suppose I am took weak to think that I am alone in this world . I dont consider this to be a vice, just a simplier outlook on my life both past and present. To keep me as sane as possible. I dont think my character weak , just my willingness to accept it for what it is hard.
There is no escaping it. However, there are times were I wish I was born into a life that shaped me differently, then maybe it would be easier to accept myself rather than how it is now.